How to Officiate a Wedding
Your friend asked you to officiate. Now what?!
If you do your job right, people won’t remember you. But they will remember how beautiful it was to see people get married who love each other so much and have such a strong sense of who they are. They might even remember that the ceremony was wonderful
But you? You will disappear. Because it isn’t about you. It isn’t about your friendship, even though that may be why you’ve been asked. A toast is where you can go in depth into the nuance, richness, and inside jokes of your relationships.
A homily is where theirs souls are to be seen. And you get to make that happen!
But what will you say?
Here are some steps you can take to make sure you are the officiant who holds space for them!
Ask for Their Stories
Find a time to get together in person or by video call with the couple. Ask them about the moments they have most loved their relationship. The challenges they’ve faced and overcome. What they love about each other. Pay attention to what these stories have in common, what makes them uniquely themselves.
Gather Words They Love
It’s always lovely to include quotes that are meaningful to your people. It can really show what matters to them and help guide the structure of your homily.
Invite Them to Write A Secret Message for Each Other
Something that they’ll hear for the first time on the wedding day.
See Some Examples
There is more than one way to tell a beautiful story. Think about the weddings you have loved the most and what they felt like. What did it sound like? How were they created? See if you can model yours after them.
You can also read some here and here.
Run Your Homily By the Couple
Most couples love to check the text before it gets said aloud on their wedding day. If they are interested, let them see what you plan on saying ahead of time. If you’ve included messages to each other, you can remove these for the review stage.
Help With The Vows and Ceremony Outline
Couples often write their own vows. But for those who may want a standard script, or an egalitarian/queer take on the standard vows, your friends may look to you as the resource on this.
Not sure how a ceremony is typically structured? Check out a sample outline here.
Get Legal
Your state and/or country will determine what it means to be a legal officiant in the eyes of the government. Check your local requirements.
Online Ordination. Submit your name, print a certificate, and you’re good to go!
Self Ordained Marriages: The Quaker Way (Pennsylvania Only). This is where the couple signs the wedding license themselves with supporting signatures of two witnesses.
Secondary Officiant. Find someone who can legally deliver the vows and sign the paperwork. You can do the fun parts and relax about making the government happy!
Practice
No one wants a ceremony that takes an hour. Try to keep your homily within the 5-10 minute range. Time yourself as you practice to confirm you are within the space you want. A good guide is this: 500 words = 3 minutes to read aloud. But that can vary between speakers.
Enjoy It!
There’s something so beautiful and sacred about being the person to hold the space where two people promise to make a life together.